Sleep, perchance to dream

We have had some success on the sleeping/bed front -- within the last week, Little Bit has slept a few times all by himself in his own bed in his own room. The rest of the time he still slept in his bed, but, he has toddled into our room about 3 am and said sleepily to me, "Will you come sleep in my bed?" I stumbled down the hallway with him, settled him down, and slept next to him the rest of the night. It's a step in the right direction.

Getting him to bed has been getting harder and harder. He keeps trying things to stall. He wants one more story (on tv or a book). He wants some juice. He's hungry. Sometimes we can get him into his bed without too many tears. But once he dissolved into hysterics. He was so tired, so upset and crying hoarsely. Finally, I just picked him up in my arms and held him in a cradle hold close to my chest. I rocked him and made soothing sounds. Soon, he calmed, and I was able to lie down next to him.

He's been stuttering off and on again. The daycare teacher said it's very common for his age and that their thoughts are going much faster than their words/vocabulary can go. We just let him take his time when he's telling us something and not draw attention to it. It's hard not to feel a little concerned, though, wondering if it's the start of a problem.

We went to a 4th of July celebration at the park and got to spend time with DH's family. Little Bit and his cousin Bethany had a most excellent time dancing to the music of his Uncle. While we were there, I got to hold the little 3-month old baby girl of a friend of our niece. Oh, dear...those sweet little chubby legs, those cute, tiny toes, that little ruffly outfit...She was just so small. It made me remember when Little Bit was just born and how wonderful it was to hold him over my heart, with his little legs folded under him like a frog, small and compact. I had a dream within a few days of that where DH and I were discussing Do we really want a second child? How are we going to afford two in daycare? Do we really want to do this? Gulp.

However, even with those baby-induced ovary twinges (hey, quiet down there! Haven't you already been giving me enough trouble?!), I know that we're "one and done". While it would be awesome for Little Bit to have a little sister or brother to play with, having a sibling doesn't always mean you'll be close. My brother and I are worlds apart and have never been close. We're just too different in personality and have different interests.

There are also practical reasons to be "one and done" -- since DH is 15 years older than I am, he'll be nearing retirement when Little Bit is in high school. We'd like to be able to retire sometime, you know, before we die, and enjoy time together, and also still provide some college money for Little Bit.

I also selfishly enjoy being able to hand-off between me and DH, knowing DH is not outnumbered, so I can go for some 'retail therapy' or take a nap or read a book.

I hope it helps (I'm sure DH does, too)

This last week I've been working like crazy to get a big deliverable done by yesterday afternoon. I was working on the weekend, 10+ hour days Monday and Tuesday, barely taking time for lunch, but I did it! I did it without flipping off my boss or yelling - that's a pretty good accomplishment right there - or anything. Which I really wanted to do once or twice when he kept going on and on about something I'd already said wasn't finished. Arrrrrghghghg!!

(Any guys reading this might want to wander away now because I'm going to talk about 'female stuff' now.)

Yep, I got my project done even while I was wanting to tell most everyone to eff off and leave me the eff alone for a minute, because the Prehistoric Monster Syndrome was rearing it's flaming, roaring head. You know when the sound of someone's breathing annoys you? Yeah, that's what I was dealing with. Just for kicks, the hormones would also randomly make the bottom drop out from under me. Literally, walking from the bedroom to our kitchen and suddenly I would just feel too depressed to breathe. Not that I do that anyway. [Score extra geek points if you know what I'm referring to! Or just follow the link...]

Sure, those feelings could just be from the stress of being under a microscope and wondering if I was going to get written up or fired for poor job performance, but, three things make me think this has been PMS a week "early" this month.
1.) Last month, it was a week early, so it could actually be time for it.
2.) I had the feeling this week of being in a brain fog and having to struggle with focus.
3.) Today, like a switch, I'm much clearer.

Anyway, I saw my Doc today. He said that he wouldn't think perimenopause, but he diagnosed PMDD. That's right. No pansy-ass regular Prehistoric Monster Syndrome for me. My hormones have decided to regularly firebomb the hell out of my inner balance. Making just about every encounter that particular week of the month a running internal dialogue of irritation about the stupidity of everything.

P.M.D.D. -- Psychotic Mood from Dealing with iDiots. Whadya think?

No matter what the label is -- The treatment goal is the same. Get those damned hormones under control!

The Doc gave me a sample of one of the brands of continuous birth control pills, the kind where you only get 4 periods a year. Yee-hah!

Stop me if you've heard this one before.

Today's words are "Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD)" and "perimenopause". Can you say "PMDD" and "suck it up, you're a hormonal mess"? I knew you could. I've complained on here before about my worsening PMS symptoms. The symptoms that have been severe enough to affect my work at my job. Last week and this week, I had two terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days at work. I was given two 'shape-up' talks by management -- about my number of sick days, about my lack of focus, etc, etc. I started crying in the meeting with my direct supervisor. Gads, I hate that. It's embarrassing and makes me angry. At least my supervisor said that the situation wasn't unsalvagable. I have a chance to turn it around.

After that rude wake-up call/slap in the face, I started thinking about my symptoms, google'ing, and looking at the calendar. "In PMDD, mood symptoms are more severe and often overshadow physical symptoms. The emotional disturbances are significant enough to cause problems with daily life." [emphasis mine] and "Emotional symptoms include feelings of sadness, hopelessness, anxiety, irritability and sensitivity, anger, being overwhelmed, and the need to withdraw from others."

I had recently told a friend that the emotional symptoms are very marked right before my period, then they go away. It's like a switch -- I wake up one morning, after days and days of looking at things through a haze of irritation, and the haze is gone. I know that my period will start later that same day.

While reading about PMDD, I came across references to worsening PMS or PMDD being associated with perimenopause. 'What is that' you may ask? It's the 10-15 years before menopause. Based on my mom's history, I had figured out that I would likely start perimenopause in my late 30's. I'm soon to be 37. Let's take a look at the symptoms of perimenopase, shall we?

» Hot flashes - check, night sweats
» Sleep disorders such as insomnia, difficulty falling asleep, waking up frequently, or restless sleep, leading to fatigue - check
» Mood swings, irritability, depression, anxiety, or nervousness - check
» Decreased libido
» Menstrual cycle changes, including heavier periods, uterine fibroids, spotting between periods, or skipped cycles, as well as worsening PMS (premenstrual syndrome) or PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) - check
» Fuzzy thinking, decreased or impaired memory and attention - check
» Increased food cravings, stubborn weight gain, insulin resistance, and difficulty controlling blood sugar
» Digestive problems, such as irritable bowel, bloating, or » acid reflux
» Heart arrhythmia, chest pain, palpitations
» Joint and muscle symptoms, including inflammation, stiffness or pain
» Dizziness, decreased balance,
» headaches or menstrual migraines - check

Well, shiiii-at. I may not be crazy after all. Well, that is to say, the hormones may be what are making me crazy. One website mentioned that the symptoms of fuzzy thinking and inability to multitask can be significant. I've just found out recently that I've missed some important details in meetings due to my brain fog. Those meetings? Yeah, they were in prime PMS time. Dude, I'm smart; I have advanced degrees. But these hormone shifts are kicking my mental butt. I've joked with DH about my 'hot flashes', but I just figured that they were just from the hormones of still breastfeeding (like feeling hot during pregnancy). Maybe they really have been bona-fide hot flashes.

Now I just need to get with my Doc and figure out how to get my hormones on an even keel. Any lurkers who have some experience or advice?

That tricky and clever Mother Nature

Nature and biology are tricky, clever things. They make your memories fuzzy and not so immediate. So, you forget how it actually feels to take care of a newborn. Before Little Bit, I 'knew' intellectually that the first few months are hard and that you don't get much sleep. However, the reality was a slap in the face. My body was sore, my hormones were in turmoil, and the long-tunnel feeling that came from sleep deprivation made my PPD even harder. I remember the first morning that DH was supposed to go back to work after the birth. I was going to be alone for the first time with this crying baby, who depended on me for everything, and it scared me out of my mind. I cried and begged him not to leave. I just couldn't do it. Thankfully, DH was able to work from home some and only go in for half days for awhile. After Little Bit's stay in the hospital, my mom came and stayed for two weeks to help me.

Then, much earlier than I had planned, I returned to work. I had always thought that I would want to stay home with the baby as long as possible. I was very wrong. I liked being able to go to pee when I needed to, to eat a meal with both hands, to talk to others. Plus, I just couldn't deal with the crying. I had such a physical and emotional reaction to his crying. I was desperate to calm him and comfort him and make him stop crying. I felt like a failure if I couldn't.

It really wasn't until Little Bit was a little older, about 3 months old, that I got a handle on the PPD. Also, by then, he was becoming more interactive. By the time he was almost a year old, I was able to take FMLA time off work to be home with him and to really enjoy it. I love playing with him and seeing him discover things. I'm one one of those people who prefer babies after the newborn stage.

So, why am I writing about this now? To remind myself. Because, like I said, nature is clever. It's been long enough that even though I said, no, never, not gonna do this again, there is a part of me looking at the pictures on other moms' blogs of newborns and feeling a longing. Thankfully, many of these moms are also posting truthfully about the reality of having a newborn and a toddler. That helps bring me back to reality.

Logically, I think it would be too hard for us to deal with two children at once. We both like having the freedom to give each other a break, while the other one is 'on duty'. I imagine that would be hard to do with two. This last weekend, I was very sick with a sinus infection and feeling quite nauseous. I tried to imagine feeling morning sickness for weeks/months and having a toddler pestering me to get up off the couch and play with him. Not fun. I also slept so poorly (waking every hour or so) that by early the next morning, I felt that long-tunnel feeling which reminded me how I felt in Little Bit's first months with so little sleep. Reality. It was so hard the first time. How could I do it a second time?

So, why do newborn pictures fill me with sadness (that Little Bit is not that little anymore) and longing?