Blah, blah, blah

I haven't felt like posting lately, mostly because it seems like it would all be about the same thing -- how tired I am of being tired. While at least the hormonal roller coaster has smoothed out (though with monthly grumpiness), I still keep getting sinus infections. Little Bit has brought home two run-of-the-mill colds over the last month or so. I catch them, and they immediately turn into infections for me.

My regular sinus doc, Sinus Doc 1, wanted to refer me to a "specialist" specialist -- a sinus doc who sees all the unusual cases. The original "specialist", Sinus Doc 2, was out of the country until August. OK, I went and saw Sinus Doc 3, the head of the department and the doc who taught Sinus Doc 2. What a big fat waste of time that was. I had to drive down to the medical center (about an hour drive in traffic), then first talk to his nurse in detail about my history, then in detail to two of his residents, then finally he came in. His residents, and then he, kept asking me, "what's the worst symptom?" How about getting sinus infections all the effing time?!?j

"No, that's a diagnosis. What's the worst symptom?"

OK. Fine. PTHththththt!!

He looked into my sinuses with the scope (not even using the numbing spray, which I should have spoken up about). Owwww. He said that since I didn't have an infection at that moment, he couldn't tell anything, what was causing the infections to keep coming back. So, I'm supposed to go back when I have a sinus infection. We scheduled me for ~5 weeks after that appointment. I had a sinus infection last week, but could I move my appointment up? No, of course not. The next opening was only one week sooner than my original appointment. So, rather than suffer from the symptoms and mind-numbing exhaustion for another 2.5 weeks, I self-treated (as my regular sinus doc said I could) with my nebulized antibiotics.

Now, I actually get to hope I somehow manage to get another sinus infection at just the right time, not too many days before my appointment. Oh, joy.

I just feel like it never ends. The infections keep popping up. I can't get my head above water.

Ach-chooo!!

I finally got an allergy test done to see exactly what causes my almost year-round stuffy nose and sinus issues. Yep, I'm allergic to everything...OK, not really. However, out of 38 allergens tested, I'm allergic to 23 of them to varying degrees.

There's nothing quite as fun as getting stuck with 40 + small needles filled with various diluted allergens. You want to inject me with "Cockroach Mix"? Awesome. Oh, and two different kinds of dust mite allergens? Sign me up. My upper arm still has a cross-hatch pattern of red dots from the testing. It looks like I had a run-in with Pinhead.

Also? I now know more than I ever wanted to know about dust mites. And where they live. And how much of their "waste" adds to the weight of your pillows and mattress over the years. Just don't google it. Trust me. I wish I didn't know.

So, my list of allergies includes the ever popular dust mite and molds and several grass and tree pollens, as well as cat and dog. Not mice though. Or horse. So, you know, if I wanted a pet mouse, that would be ok. I'm allergic to Virginia Oak tree pollen, but not Eastern Sycamore. It seems very random to me. Why am I allergic to this tree or grass, but not that one?

Now, Allergen-Free Bedroom! is on. (Or as allergen-free as we can get it.) I need to get full mattress and pillow encasings to block the dust mite allergens. An air filtering unit for the bedroom would be wise. Just those things will probably cost about $200 to $300. We need to minimize dust collectors sitting around the bedroom, and dust, vacuum, and launder weekly*. Next, I will start allergy treatments, which are going to cost about $100 a month! If it improves my sinus situation though, it would be worth it. I hope.

*I almost forgot to add -- I now have a doctor's excuse for not cleaning. Heh heh heh. The literature says that an "allergy sufferer should avoid being home when cleaning is done, or wear a face mask". Sorry, DH, I have to go have a manicure while you clean. Heh heh heh.

These are not the droids you're looking for

One advantage to having a one story house is that during a very rainy day, we can still play kickity-kick ball up and down the long hallway down the middle of the house. Little Bit loves to kick and throw the ball. We have to remind him to stay in the hallway with the ball. The hallway doesn't have lamps or expensive stereo equipment to knock over. Little Bit said over the weekend that he wanted to play basketball. So, DH held his arms out in front of him in a hoop shape.

After a few tries, where the ball went flying up and backwards over his head, Little Bit figured out the easy way. He stepped forward and threw the ball up through the "hoop". I love how clever he is.

Daycare actually sent home a note last week saying that we should stop using diapers at all and just go to pull-ups or training pants. Also, to bring lots of extra clothes to school in case of accidents. I guess they really want Little Bit to get all the way potty trained. However, he still won't tell us when he has to go potty. He doesn't seem to care if he's got a dirty diaper. We can smell it, but he just keeps playing and will even deny it if you ask him if he poo-poo'ed. We put him in only pull-ups over the weekend, and we took him to the potty, but he never did tell us before he had to go, and he didn't even go when we sat him on the potty. (sigh)

Little Bit seems to be entering the "threes". He wants to do things himself. He wants things done a certain way. If they aren't, he gets so mad! He'll cry and almost grind his teeth back and forth in frustration. He enters the "No zone", where he will only answer no to any question. Any hope for cooperation is out the window.

I'm doing ok. I think the new prescription is helping with my hormone imbalance, but I still had some grouchy feelings during my regular PMS weeks. Hopefully after a few more months that will even out as well. I still feeling run down and think I still have a lingering sinus infection, because I don't always do the antibiotic treatment twice a day like I'm supposed to. My doc has me on the nebulized antibiotics still and wants me to wean off them slowly. I need to get to feeling better, so I can actually have the energy to start dancing/exercising regularly. I feel so blah about being so out of shape. I used to exercise regularly with dance, so it was fun and not "exercise". Now I'm so out of shape that the last time I got out a dance DVD a number of weeks ago, I was panting like crazy and could barely walk the next day. I didn't even complete the whole workout. Blech.

The cranky saga continues

I told my manager yesterday that I had a medical diagnosis for what's been going on - PMDD. At first when I said "PMDD", he got the hint of a smile, like maybe he thought I was kidding. I continued on seriously, that the difficulty concentrating, the migraines, the debilitating symptoms every month were all symptoms. Looking back, it really pisses me off that maybe he at first thought I was joking. Like, ha-hah, I've got really bad PMS. No, it's not a fucking joke. Has your wife gone through menopause? Then you should effing know what hormone imbalances can do to someone.

The other thing that pisses me off is that yesterday he suggested we look into finding me another position to rotate into, since I'm on our lead's "list". What the hell?! We just finally got an intermediary on our side of things to help "translate" what the lead wants. This intermediary has been a huge, huge help the last few weeks. The intermediary told me that he thought any reassignment for me was on hold, pending how things work with him interfacing for us and translating. I'm pissed that it sounds like my manager is no longer in my corner. At least, the intermediary is in my corner. Maybe he can convince the lead to wait and see how things go. I don't know what will happen. I just need to continue to produce.

Yesterday afternoon, I was overwhelmed with a flood of despair. It all seemed to be too much, too big. I wanted to go home and curl up on my bed, in a dark room, and hug a stuffed animal, and try to sleep. To disappear. But I don't have the "luxury" of doing that right now. So, I concentrated on one thing at a time -- open the file I needed to work on, start copying and pasting info from another file. One thing at a time. It worked. I was able to get a decent amount of work done. And I felt a bit better this morning, having gotten some work done.

I hope it helps (I'm sure DH does, too)

This last week I've been working like crazy to get a big deliverable done by yesterday afternoon. I was working on the weekend, 10+ hour days Monday and Tuesday, barely taking time for lunch, but I did it! I did it without flipping off my boss or yelling - that's a pretty good accomplishment right there - or anything. Which I really wanted to do once or twice when he kept going on and on about something I'd already said wasn't finished. Arrrrrghghghg!!

(Any guys reading this might want to wander away now because I'm going to talk about 'female stuff' now.)

Yep, I got my project done even while I was wanting to tell most everyone to eff off and leave me the eff alone for a minute, because the Prehistoric Monster Syndrome was rearing it's flaming, roaring head. You know when the sound of someone's breathing annoys you? Yeah, that's what I was dealing with. Just for kicks, the hormones would also randomly make the bottom drop out from under me. Literally, walking from the bedroom to our kitchen and suddenly I would just feel too depressed to breathe. Not that I do that anyway. [Score extra geek points if you know what I'm referring to! Or just follow the link...]

Sure, those feelings could just be from the stress of being under a microscope and wondering if I was going to get written up or fired for poor job performance, but, three things make me think this has been PMS a week "early" this month.
1.) Last month, it was a week early, so it could actually be time for it.
2.) I had the feeling this week of being in a brain fog and having to struggle with focus.
3.) Today, like a switch, I'm much clearer.

Anyway, I saw my Doc today. He said that he wouldn't think perimenopause, but he diagnosed PMDD. That's right. No pansy-ass regular Prehistoric Monster Syndrome for me. My hormones have decided to regularly firebomb the hell out of my inner balance. Making just about every encounter that particular week of the month a running internal dialogue of irritation about the stupidity of everything.

P.M.D.D. -- Psychotic Mood from Dealing with iDiots. Whadya think?

No matter what the label is -- The treatment goal is the same. Get those damned hormones under control!

The Doc gave me a sample of one of the brands of continuous birth control pills, the kind where you only get 4 periods a year. Yee-hah!

Stop me if you've heard this one before.

Today's words are "Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD)" and "perimenopause". Can you say "PMDD" and "suck it up, you're a hormonal mess"? I knew you could. I've complained on here before about my worsening PMS symptoms. The symptoms that have been severe enough to affect my work at my job. Last week and this week, I had two terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days at work. I was given two 'shape-up' talks by management -- about my number of sick days, about my lack of focus, etc, etc. I started crying in the meeting with my direct supervisor. Gads, I hate that. It's embarrassing and makes me angry. At least my supervisor said that the situation wasn't unsalvagable. I have a chance to turn it around.

After that rude wake-up call/slap in the face, I started thinking about my symptoms, google'ing, and looking at the calendar. "In PMDD, mood symptoms are more severe and often overshadow physical symptoms. The emotional disturbances are significant enough to cause problems with daily life." [emphasis mine] and "Emotional symptoms include feelings of sadness, hopelessness, anxiety, irritability and sensitivity, anger, being overwhelmed, and the need to withdraw from others."

I had recently told a friend that the emotional symptoms are very marked right before my period, then they go away. It's like a switch -- I wake up one morning, after days and days of looking at things through a haze of irritation, and the haze is gone. I know that my period will start later that same day.

While reading about PMDD, I came across references to worsening PMS or PMDD being associated with perimenopause. 'What is that' you may ask? It's the 10-15 years before menopause. Based on my mom's history, I had figured out that I would likely start perimenopause in my late 30's. I'm soon to be 37. Let's take a look at the symptoms of perimenopase, shall we?

» Hot flashes - check, night sweats
» Sleep disorders such as insomnia, difficulty falling asleep, waking up frequently, or restless sleep, leading to fatigue - check
» Mood swings, irritability, depression, anxiety, or nervousness - check
» Decreased libido
» Menstrual cycle changes, including heavier periods, uterine fibroids, spotting between periods, or skipped cycles, as well as worsening PMS (premenstrual syndrome) or PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) - check
» Fuzzy thinking, decreased or impaired memory and attention - check
» Increased food cravings, stubborn weight gain, insulin resistance, and difficulty controlling blood sugar
» Digestive problems, such as irritable bowel, bloating, or » acid reflux
» Heart arrhythmia, chest pain, palpitations
» Joint and muscle symptoms, including inflammation, stiffness or pain
» Dizziness, decreased balance,
» headaches or menstrual migraines - check

Well, shiiii-at. I may not be crazy after all. Well, that is to say, the hormones may be what are making me crazy. One website mentioned that the symptoms of fuzzy thinking and inability to multitask can be significant. I've just found out recently that I've missed some important details in meetings due to my brain fog. Those meetings? Yeah, they were in prime PMS time. Dude, I'm smart; I have advanced degrees. But these hormone shifts are kicking my mental butt. I've joked with DH about my 'hot flashes', but I just figured that they were just from the hormones of still breastfeeding (like feeling hot during pregnancy). Maybe they really have been bona-fide hot flashes.

Now I just need to get with my Doc and figure out how to get my hormones on an even keel. Any lurkers who have some experience or advice?

I Feel Pretty, Oh, So Pretty

Like the new look? It's purrdy. The new colors make me smile. That's a good thing. So is PMSBuddy. (You're welcome, DH.) I was actually thinking of setting up an MS Outlook reminder in my calendar to email DH every month. If I can't even remember it, he shouldn't be expected to either. I'll be grumping around and feeling like I want to tell everyone to just leave me the F- alone. I feel like a three year old -- I don' wanna go work. I don' wanna do chores. {stomps feet} I'll look at the calendar, count back the weeks, and the light dawns. Hormone-Roller-Coaster-R-Us. Welcome to the funhouse.

It's usually a good thing if Little Bit is not riding in the car with me while the Prehistoric Monster rages.

"Goddammit! That motherfucker cut me off. Bitch! MuhTHER FucKER!!!" Etc. etc. His daycare teachers might raise their eyebrows about the new vocabulary he was using.

Seriously? I would like to dispute whatever assrabbit signed me back up for this. It's just been getting worse and worse since my monthly cycle started back almost a year ago, after several years of blissful pregnancy- and lactational-induced reprieve.

PMS sucks. I need better hormones or drugs or something.
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I picked Little Bit up from daycare yesterday. At a stoplight, I read the notes on his daily report.

"So, you hit and pushed your friends today at school?" I asked him.

He said, "Yeah. I hit Becky. I wanted blocks...green block."

Well, he did tell the truth. He's about three months away from being 3 years old, and it still amazes me how you can have a conversation with Little Bit now. Sure, we're not discussing meta-narratives in his Elmo books. We should start with "Go, Dog. Go!" I think.

Even with his tempermental streak, apparently Little Bit is rocking the 2's room. One of the other moms reported that all her little girl talks about outside of school is Little Bit. The mom thinks it's cute. The dad does not; it brings out his 'threatening the 17-year old date of your sweet, innocent 16-year old daughter' side.

On being tired, happy diapers, and no pants

Sorry I haven't been posting much the last few weeks, ya'll. I've just been alternatively feeling depressed, hormonal, bitchy, tired, sick, sleepy, grumpy and doc. (Don't tell DH about me feeling Sleepy, Grumpy, and Doc; he doesn't know.) There have been many cute things Little Bit has said or done that I think, I should put that on the blog, but then I just don't get around to it. I'm still trying to shake off the effects of the latest Virus de Daycare.

Sometimes, Little Bit does not want us to change his dirty diaper. He'll retreat to the other side of the coffee table, playing keep away, and say, "No! This one [meaning the diaper] happy!"

They are still trying to get Little Bit to use the potty at school. He's gone in it less than a handful of times. Yet the other day when they ran out of pull-ups for him, they actually put him in just underwear and pants. So, of course he ended up peeing on himself. He came home wearing a shirt, a diaper, no pants, and shoes and socks wet with pee. Nice. Great job putting a kid who's nowhere near potty-trained in underwear.

Though I will say that the teachers and the daycare director do care about Little Bit and the other kids a lot. On Tuesday, his first day back after his trip to the ER for his cut forehead, the teachers were very concerned and said they'd give him lots of attention and love. The center director saw me as I was leaving. After we chatted about what the ER doc had said, she said, "Let me go see my baby", meaning Little Bit, and hurried off to see him. That was sweet.

PfM's Anatomy

And now for the medical update from Chez PfM...Little Bit has finally gotten some relief from his awful diaper rash. My HR got our insurance to pay for an early refill on the prescription diaper rash cream. Our homemade remedy was keeping the rash from getting much worse, but it wasn't going away. With the cream and with the diarrhea finally going away, he can sit on his bottom again! Poor little guy -- he had been standing all the time. He told us that his bottom is happy now!

As for me, I got something for Christmas that I really did not want. A sinus infection. Another sinus infection. Arrrrggggghhhhh!!! My parents wanted to know why the sinus surgery hadn't worked and had I complained to the doc? I told them that all the forms you sign for surgery say clearly that the surgery does not guarantee the sinus infection won't come back again. The doc never promised that.

I saw the sinus doc last week. He just shook his head and said that it was the worst of the worst day -- his worst ear case was there, too, for an appointment, and I was his worst sinus case. Great. I'd rather be singled out for something a little more positive, thanks. He suggested that I need to go back on the nebulized antibiotics, maybe indefinitely, but at least for a few months. I had guessed as much, since the slightest thing seems to cause my sinuses to get infected (I had some sniffles a few weeks ago).

I was so tired of using the nebulizer, but at least I got a little break. If it keeps me from having sinus migraines everyday and from having no energy due to the infections, then it's worth it, I suppose.

*****

Oh, yeah, I discovered that our Cable on Demand has several of Little Bit's favorite Noggin and Nickelodeon shows for viewing anytime. Plus, you can watch some episodes online. Woo-hoo! I don't have to gouge out my eyes from seeing the same few episodes over and over again on our broken/non-recording DVR. If, in a few days, I haven't yet watched the few things recorded on our broken DVR that I really, really want to see, I need to just exchange the darn thing anyway.

What kind of service would *you* expect for that kind of money?

I had the pre-surgery appointment with my sinus doctor yesterday. In just 3 days I will be woozy from the lingering effects of anesthesia and will have various bloody fluids coming outta my nose. As I remember from my last sinus surgery, the sling that goes over your ears and around your nose to hold the gauze in place is pretty comical. Oh, yeah, and I'll have a partially numb face. Good times.

The doc used an endoscope to look into my infected sinus yesterday. He said it's looking better, but, well, I won't give you the details about the pus he mentioned. Because that's just gross. I am *so* not the type of person who runs into friends I haven't seen for awhile, then starts blathering on about her upcoming sinus surgery and making references to roto-rooters being applied (there's a lovely image!), when those friends have just been enjoying bagels and coffee. Ahem.

The nebulized antibiotics have been fighting back the infection somewhat, just not enough. I am so sick of that nebulizer machine. I've been using it for months now, or possibly since the Clinton presidential years. I'm not sure. Things get a little blurry in my continued exhaustion. During the day last Saturday, thanks to DH entertaining the little guy, I slept for about 6 hours. Then, I went to bed about 9pm that night. I still had to come home early from work one day this week to sleep because I was feeling vertiginous. (Like how I worked that $25 word in there?)

The doc showed me the CAT/CT scan of my sinuses. It's much cooler now that they have the images on computer in digital form. Way back in the dark ages, 6 years ago, my last pre-sinus surgery scan used actual huge X-ray films. I know, barbaric. You only got X-ray prints of a limited number of slices through imaging of the head. With digital images, the doc could scroll the mouse wheel and take us through my skull and sinuses and back out from any direction. Kinda cool. Yep, the images confirmed how very effed up my left sinuses are.

As I was leaving the doc's office, I noticed the billing charges on my checkout slip. Of course those are never what the insurance actually ends up paying the doctors, but I guess if we had no insurance, it's what we'd have to pay. There was a $120 office visit charge *plus* a $350 charge for the endoscopic procedure. $350?!@! He looked in my nose like 15-20 seconds! Seriously. For that kind of money, well, let's just say, I'd prefer the cuter doc in the practice, and it should involve other kinds of procedures.

Update

Next week I'll be going on a business trip. This will be the first time I'll be away from Little Bit for longer than 8-12 hours. Back in March, I declined a business trip. It just felt too soon to leave Little Bit that long. This time, while I am still a little apprehensive about leaving him, I'm also looking forward to having free evenings for a few days. I'll be staying at a hotel on the beach near KSC. I know I'm going to miss Little Bit and DH, but it's going to be nice to recharge my batteries by the ocean.

I talked in detail with my doctor about the results of my CT scan. The upper sinuses on the one side are just eff'ed up, and in a much worse state than before my previous surgery six years ago. We set my revision sinus surgery for just under three weeks from now.

A nose by any other name

I went for the follow-up with my sinus doc last week. After 2 months (!!) on the nebulized antibiotics, only half of my sinus infection is cleared up. The doc suggested sinus surgery to open up the passageways on that side of my nose. I go for the CT scan on Friday, then he'll call me with the results and schedule the surgery.

*big sigh* I just want to not have sinus headaches every day, to be able to breathe out of both sides of my nose, and to not be exhausted all the time. Is that too much to ask?

And just because you might be wondering who is lying or being misleading in his presidential campaign or who is being fairly truthful, go check cnn or factcheck.org

Bueller?...Bueller?... Anyone?

Am I dreaming the impossible dream? I just want to find some nice pants for work, preferably ones that shed wrinkles (and won't end up looking like you pulled them from the bottom of the clothes pile, did a sniff test, and threw them on, even though they were fresh, clean, and unwrinkled 2 seconds before). OK, that part sounds do-able. Plenty of 'dress' pants are wrinkle-resistant.

Here's the kicker - the pants have to not make me literally sweat my ass off in the heat and humidity of Houston. Most 'dress' pants seem to be made with some sort of polyester/rayon/spandex mix. Last time I tried to wear one of my dress pants to work this summer, I had to turn around after stopping for my ususal caffeine/coffee fix and return home to change pants. I was going to lose several pounds of water if I didn't.

I need some cotton or natural blend fabric that's been treated to shed wrinkles. At the very least, a manufactured fabric with some breathability. Am I reaching too high? Am I dreaming too big? Anyone have some suggestions for brands of dress pants?

Me-me me-me

I'm going to grab a meme that I just read over at musings' place. The meme is a good 'getting to know you' list of questions.

1. What was I doing ten years ago?
Ten years ago I was going to grad school. I was one of two "older" students in the program and one of the 5 women out of about 25. My aerospace engineering graduate department actually had a higher percentage of women than most others -- a whopping 20%. I was used to that; my undergrad physics and astro classes were 10% or so women. However, I also had some math and physics classes that were 90% women and 10% men. (That was one of the advantages of going to an all women's college with an opportunity to take classes at the local co-ed college, too.)

Ten years ago, I was wondering what I'd gotten myself into. I'd always done much better in my liberal arts classes than in my science and math classes, but the applied part of engineering was what interested me. So, I stubborned my way through, and my GPA was helped by the A's I got in a few liberal arts type grad classes like Engineering Psychology.

2. What are five (non-work) things on my to-do list for today?
Put away my clean laundry. Stop by Tarjay for a few items. Read some more of Twilight.

3. Snacks I enjoy:
Chocolate (of course). Popcorn. Potato chips and ranch dip.

4. Things I would do if I were a billionaire:
Of course pay off all my debt. Contribute to a number of humanitarian and fine/performing arts causes. Buy a bigger house here in Houston. Give a bunch of money to my extended family, and get my mom and dad a house here. Travel all over the world. Buy a house in Hawaii. Set up my son's financial future so he wouldn't have to worry about anything. Buy a trip to the Space Station from the Russians and/or fund my own private space program. *grin*

5. Places I have lived:
Counting places that I have lived at least a few months (including summer internships) - Virginia, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, Massachusetts, North Carolina, Illinois, Texas.

6. Jobs I have had:
Fast food worker, data analyst, astronomy intern, human factors intern, grad school Teacher's Assisstant, rocket scientist, space systems engineer.

The one where I feel old

I realized recently that the high school class of 2008, the incoming frosh at college this fall, were born the year I graduated high school. That certainly made me feel a little old(er). Although it is fun to poke fun at what was considered fashion in the early 80's. How about some awful examples of male (really, mostly gay-male-with-no-taste) fashion from 1986. Check out this post here. There's Adrian Paul modeling long before Highlander. This year's high school graduates probably don't even know who Adrian Paul is.

Oooo, lookit the jeans with pressed creases! And slouchy socks worn outside the pants legs. The best has to be the purple flight suit. For those boyz with a Top Gun fetish.

BTW, when did Top Gun come out? (pause while I search the interweb) Ah-hah, it came out in 1986. No wonder they have a flightsuit in the IM 1986 fashion catalog. The comments to the post above are funny. Then, I read the comment from the woman who said that 1986 was her birth year. Oh, lord.

Hai, I can feelz old now?